Yup, Still Here
Ocean City, Maryland | August 2010
More than a month without a post. Not really like me, but it is what it is. Hopefully some of you have stuck around!
We came home from Ocean City about 3 weeks ago and have already celebrated a friend’s wedding/baby shower with college friends I had not seen in way too long, watched the Hokies go embarrassingly 0-2, and spent last weekend camping. This weekend I am heading out to a VaHomeschoolers board retreat, which will be fun and productive (hopefully) but still is taking me away from “getting caught up” here.
The last few weeks before coming back were a bit on the emotional rough side, for various reasons (Jason getting hives, Jez getting a parasite, my anxiety kicking into high gear, getting hit hard with fall allergies). I went through about a 3 week period of not getting a full nights rest (Jason’s hives keeping him up late, Jez’s parasite meaning that she woke me at 3:30 in the morning to go outside, my anxiety meaning that once I was awake, I could not fall asleep easily again, my allergies meaning that I am feeling drained and miserable).
Looking back (and at where I am now) I can definitely see it as a learning experience…I was better at sitting with my feelings rather than trying to distract myself. Which is a good thing. But still hard. I think that the most frustrating thing is that I now realize that it is not a matter of my figuring out how to “change things” to make them work. It is not about structuring my day better, or being more productive, or doing things differently. My stress and feeling as if I do not have enough time is completely coming from inside, not from what is really going on in my life. It has nothing to do with what I do but rather about what I feel…what I react to, which has more to do with prior unresolved feelings than what is actually going on at hand.
A friend of mine recommended a book called The Presence Process by Michael Brown and I am finding it incredibly useful for helping me figure out how to stay more present in my life as well as with learning how to sit with these emotional issues as they arise. Because only by sitting with them and acknowledging them and truly accepting them will I be able to integrate these issues into my life…it is not about “getting rid” of them or “fixing” myself but rather learning to accept my authentic self.
Sorry to go so “deep” after being gone so long! I do have a lot of posts that I have been composing in my mind all along…posts about right-brained learners, homeschooling, houses of Ocean City, parenting…lots of stuff. The trick is finding the time…making the time to get them written. And finding the time to continue the organization/major purge that I have been working on since we got home. I have a strong desire to simplify lately…but I have a feeling that I have to work on simplfying inside before I will make too much progress on the outside.
So that, for what it is worth, is where I am. Wish me luck. I will try not to stay away for quite as long this time!
