What a week. What a relief.

Biden is going to be our president. And we get Kamala too.

Been doing a lot of self-observation and thinking about how much we think we “know” about politicians and national figures. How much we assume that our opinions are completely rational. Based on fact.

And yet.

I’ve always liked Joe Biden, especially as Vice President. He seemed like a genuinely good person. But during the primary, he annoyed me. He was an old white guy. His gaffes/stutter felt like a liability. When looking through the lens of “who could win” I could foresee all the ways people (Democrats and Republicans) would not like him. Given the stakes of this election, putting my hopes on him felt risky.

Truthfully though, all of the Democratic candidates felt risky. I did not have a personal favorite. While I would have been fine with any of them, I could also see the limitations of all of them (hello, Type 9 tendencies!)

Kamala felt abrupt and a bit “cold” to me during the primary. Again, I liked her on the whole, in part because of this same directness and ability to call it like she saw it. I would have had no problem voting for her. But the worry about how she would be perceived absolutely played a role in my impression.

In sitting with this, it is obvious that my own implicit misogyny and racism played a role in my sense of her. Which makes sense. Why would I think that it wouldn’t? Given how much it permeates our society, why would I think that I would be immune? Of course I’m not and I, especially as a white woman, need to acknowledge and own that. Even as it pains me to admit and even though I would like to believe that I was immune.

The truth is that we project so much of what we want other people to be, especially politicians and national figures. We think we know who they are and are blind to how our narrative shapes the lens through which we view them.

After Kamala was nominated, instead of seeing her through the “could she win” lens, I started viewing her through the “breaking barriers” lens and discovered a much warmer picture of who she is—which was there all the time.

I am sure that picture also has its own blindspots because, of course, it does. Human beings are complicated and messy, made up of what Pema Chödrön calls our wisdom and our neurosis.

And so now we wait. And let the process continue to play out. Which is maddening and frustrating and scary. Because even while I know there is no basis for voting fraud, it saddens me to know how many friends and family do believe it exists and are pinning their hopes on that. And how many national Republicans are fueling the flames of doubt that are not healthy for our country and democracy.

I also remember the deep sense that something had to explain Hilary’s loss in 2016. I get it. But then as now, the process needed to play itself out. So I am going to do my best to hold space for these feelings for family and friends while at the same time holding the very real worries I have for my country going forward from the damage that has been done by this administration to our institutions and norms.

We as a nation don’t do both/and very well. We don’t do messy. We don’t do nuance. We want our opinions and decisions to be clear cut. We want easy answers to complicated problems. We like right vs wrong. Good vs evil.

Yet life is rarely clear cut, much less people.

So I’m going to continue working on what I have control over and letting go of what I don’t. Realizing that while my way of processing is right for me, everyone else will have their own way of processing.

So that is where we are. And while it is an incredibly uncomfortable place to be, ultimately we can only be where we are. Even when it is as painful and as scary as where we are right now.

He's Home!

Time to vote. Finally!